How To Over-Protect Your Creativity
Something I get annoyed by is when I have a thought about what I want to write about, and I sit down to write it only to find my laptop is sluggish, and the program to write in doesn't open. I lose the idea by the time I get set up to write. It's a super fun moment. I lay in bed awake unable to fall asleep early every morning with so many ideas and stories I want to share, and now as I sit in front of the computer, I go blank.
Go figure.
It's like rain on your wedding day or 10,000 spoons when all you need is a knife - oh wait, those are Alanis Morissette's words—super resonating with it right now, though—the irony of it all.
I did write something the other morning that was nagging at me, though. I was lying in bed at 3:30 am, unable to fall asleep after nursing. My baby was sleeping in his bassinet next to me on my left, and my partner was asleep to my right. I thought about getting up to write, but that felt like too much effort, so I grabbed my phone, opened the notes app, and let the words flow. It felt good; it felt really good.
I realized I expected my writing to come out of me like a raging waterfall after I gave birth. I thought I was blocked in my sacral chakra (our energy center for creativity) and had been waiting for my son's birth to help me bust through those blocks. I kept telling myself that once I had him, an energy shift would open me up to more flow and confidence to write and put more of it into the world. Yet, I know it's another obstacle to keep me from being more disciplined in the moment, trapped in the 'I'll do it when' hamster wheel.
When I didn't get the home water birth I desired, I felt the expectation of how this energy block would be resolved was still there. "Shit, I really thought a vaginal birth would have fixed this issue of mine." I know it was a stretch to have this thought, but I was grasping at straws on why I wasn't writing more.
My bubble burst around how I would bust through this barrier of writing, sharing more, and maybe even making money from my musings. Perhaps I had put too much pressure on myself around what having a vaginal birth would mean to me and what I felt it would do for me because the c-section outcome was marvelous. I have this fantastic creation that grew inside of me. My nourishment over those nine months resulted in an insanely beautiful and healthy baby boy that the whole operating room gasped when they saw him and heard his sweet cries of taking his first breaths outside my womb.
Even though I didn't deliver the way I desired, this creation still came into the world, even if he had to be cut out of me.
My expectation of how my writing wants to come out of me will take on a different approach because I feel so much wanting to be expressed through me, and it might not stay in much longer, so I have got to crack the code. But I fear I've been in too much self-protection mode.
If someone asked me how to protect my writing and creativity, I would say here's my process:
Step 1 - Have a surge of inspiration around a story you want to tell.
Step 2 - Create a to-do list of things you must accomplish that 'have' to get done before you can carve out time to write.
Step 3 - Finally, carve out time to write, but because you did everything else first, you are now too tired to write.
Step 4 - Go through steps 1-3 for days/weeks/months/years until you finally sit down to write.
Step 5 - Feel accomplished and excited, and proud of yourself for finally writing.
Step 6 - Feel the urge to share it and then go through a series of questions: Where to share? My newsletter? Should I send it to a friend? How could I make money from my writing? What would that avenue be? Basically, question all aspects of what you just wrote, including what you wrote.
Step 7 - Doubt yourself by attaching yourself to external validation - heavily. Does anyone really care to read this? If they dislike or criticize it, could I handle it? Someone else has already written about this better than I have.
Step 8 - Convince yourself that writing it for yourself is enough- it doesn't need to be shared. Tell yourself that the world doesn't need more clutter, and your words would only get drowned out and not be appreciated how you know they want to be.
Step 9 - Protect your words at all costs by keeping them safe and snug within you or to the safety of your computer or journal. Only share a few things here and there, and when you don't get the full attention you desire, confirm that you don't need to share more, that people don't want it or need it. Completely forget that you have a need to be witnessed and heard.
Step 10 - Feel like shit about yourself for abandoning your creative self yet again.
Step 11 - Repeat Steps 1-10 as often as you need to in order to protect yourself and your words.
Yes, it's official. I've been over-protecting my writing.
I love this form of expression so much that I want to avoid losing this aspect of what brings me joy by feeling like it needs to always be better. The shadow of my overprotection is being brought to light in many areas. I love my son even more than writing, so I must also be aware of over-protecting him. He will have his own experiences to play out in this world, and getting his feelings hurt will all be a part of his growth. I may have to let my writing's feelings get hurt or not be fully appreciated just to let it have its own experience and karma in the world to play out too.
There may be a fine line in there. A balance of protection to a certain point and then releasing it into the world. Gaining feedback and then reassessing if needed. I've done it enough before to know I'll be fine. At this point, my process is a habit, and now the desire to share more is tipping the scales.
The memories of my high school English papers being covered in red ink or told that I shared too many personal details in my writing become faded. The memories of clients, strangers, friends, and family tell me how much they needed to hear what I wrote phase forward. Like a kaleidoscope where the colors and shapes shift and change, giving a different view, so too is my perspective of myself and what I want to offer the world and the positive outcomes that also await me.
I heard something the other day about trauma and that we can confuse patterns as thinking we are inherently wrong because we aren't getting the results we seek. However, it's actually our strategy that needs revision - nothing is wrong with us.
It may be time to revise my process.